David Gower

I was asked to write a poem for a tribute lunch to David Gower. I struggled for weeks to think of something and hit a blank wall.

Then I wen to a memorial service for an old friend Frank Crozier. At Frank’s memorial someone did a parody of a Cole Porter song entitled Miss Otis regrets.

Now it struck a cord with me and within an hour I had done an even looser parody of this number which highlighted the great man’s dislike of training and which I see being delivered by Mr Gower’s butler, who did, of course, accompany him on all his overseas tours.

Mr Gower Regrets

Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to train today, Goochie
Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to train today
You see he feels his highly-tuned body could get rather abused
And the old tender and delicate hands are so easily bruised, Goochie
So Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to train today

Now Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to run today, Goochie
Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to run today
He finds the quick single can tend to be such a terrible bore
And he feels if God had meant him to run he wouldn’t have invented the four, Goochie
So Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to run today

Now Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to bowl today, Goochie
Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to bowl today
For in his arm he says he’s feeling such a terribly slight strain
And, as it’s the one he uses to lift a glass of the vintage champagne, Goochie
Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to bowl today

Now Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to field today, Goochie
Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to field today
Among all his skills he says his fielding is not terribly strong
A view he’s held since only last night, when he stayed in the casino too long, Goochie
So Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to field today

Now Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to bat today, Goochie
Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to bat today
But he’d quite like to see young Mr Lamb out in the middle again
And he feels that such innings are really best viewed from above in a light plane, Goochie
So Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to bat today

Now Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to play today, Goochie
Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to play today
For after last night it’s sad to relate he’s not feeling too hail and hearty
But he’s asked me to say he’ll be perfectly fit to attend the after match party, Goochie
But Mr Gower regrets he’s unable to play today

Now Mr Bevan regrets he can no longer watch you play, Lubo
Mr Bevan regrets he can no longer watch you play
For though to manage you must have been a total pain in the arse
We all know that in your day you exuded absolute class, Lubo
Yes we all regret we can no longer watch you play, Lubo
We all regret we can no longer watch you play